yes, it is true,
just ask krissy
'cause she was there
suddenly feeling like i wet my pants
shame faced i tried to explain my view
for being too loud
as the woman at the next table
gestured to me and told me to
'turn it down'
'am i being too loud'
her and her friend nod annoyed
i feel awful
in the moment of joy
this closing down
i initially apologize
but it sits on my chest
like the undigested
spanakopita that i have
just forked in
i make idle
chat
trying to let the women
be thankful for good hearing
i mention my mother
being deaf
ah yes, says one of course
that is why
subtext
you really arn't a brute, as you appeared
but do have a ligitimate reason
we will let you live
wait a friggin minute i say to myself
feeling trampled and shut down
feeling such shame
not intending to harm anyone
but also wanting to be able to raise
my voice our voices in joy and understanding
enjoying the moments and tea and the sun
coming in, in our own private space
wait a cotton pickin minute
this is not sitting down well with me
and at that point it might of been better
to take thich nat hanh's advice of
do nothing when you are angry
but i did it
i piped up for all it was worth
and said
i want you to know i feel awful
it feels as if you slapped me in the face
which at that time was not an exageration
i felt eight and too old to have wet my pants
shame
scolding
the old woman
who we suspect is never wrong
answers
i never wanted to slap anyone in the face
well that is what it felt like
the women turn inward
afraid perhaps,
wanting us to go away
and the woman who threw the gesture and words
says shame faced now
loud enough for our ears
no longer in her whisper tea room voice
now i am sitting here guilty for something that someone else did wrong
because of course she is always right'
i guess
really it was one of those situations
pema chodron calls them hooks
some people call them buttons
i have heard it reffered to as rattling someones cage
and the advice of the buddhist teacher chodron
is to notice it and choose peace
to not let yourself be hooked
based on non-violence and that we are all the same
self goo
i did get hooked,
cage rattled
and i did something so unusual for me
stood up and didn't accept it
let someone else know the consequence of their action
i am not sure i handled this situation well
too emotional too hooked but i did say what i wanted
conveyed to this other woman my feelings
from where i sat
by the window with the lovely orange gerbera daisy
single and fun in a jar on the table
next time
perhaps
i will try it again
only with more kindness
walking over
with civility
and saying
in quiet words
i am sorry you feel i am too loud
would you please come over to me
and tell me of your concern
instead of broadcasting it to the
entire room, as it makes me feel
terribly small, unimportant,
in the wrong and very embarrased
thank you.
so much for fights with old ladies
in coffee shops
i so much prefer love
